I Thought I Was Good at Giving

Jul 6

Written By Danielle Gaebel

For a long time, I thought I was really good at giving.

Actually, that's not true.

I knew I was good at giving.

I could give to the nth degree.

My time. My energy. My attention. My support. My love. My money. My ideas.

I would show up.
And show up.
And show up some more.

For friends. Family. Relationships. Work. Causes I cared about.

I would give to everyone else before I gave to myself.

And for a long time, I saw that as one of my superpowers.

Until I started noticing the resentment.

Because I would give and give and give...

And somewhere underneath it all, I was hurt when I wasn't met with the same energy in return.

Here's the complicated part — I wasn't consciously giving to get.

There wasn't some calculation in my head saying, If I do this for you, you owe me this in return.

It wasn't like that.

But somewhere along the way, I had formed an expectation that giving created reciprocity.

And when it didn't?

That hurt.

It took me a long time to realize that my relationship with giving was only one part of the story.

I also had a complicated relationship with receiving.

Help?
No, no. I've got it.

A big gift?
You shouldn't have. This is too much.

Support?
Someone else probably needs it more.

Rest?
Only after everything is done.
Which, of course, meant never.

Compliments weren't something I needed either.

I used to say that the only praise I needed was my own.

And I meant it.

I was proud of being independent.

Capable.
Self-sufficient.

I knew how to carry things.

What I didn't know how to do very well was put them down and let someone else carry something for me.

And that's where the nervous system comes into this conversation.

Because our relationship with receiving doesn't exist in a vacuum.

Trauma and chronic stress can shape the way we experience support, rest, pleasure, love, money, help — even kindness.

Maybe help has come with strings attached.

Maybe having needs wasn't welcomed.

Or depending on someone meant being disappointed one too many times.

Maybe you learned that being useful, capable, and independent was the safest way to move through the world.

Or that rest was something you had to earn.

These experiences can shape what happens in the body when it's our turn to receive.

And sometimes, the body reacts before the mind even knows what's happening.

Tightness.
Guilt.

The urge to say, “No, that's okay.”

The instinct to minimize what we need.

The feeling that we should give something back immediately.

The discomfort of simply letting something good come toward us... and allowing it to land.

I know this because I've had to consciously practice receiving.

Literally practice it.

These days, when someone gives me something, and I feel that old reflex rise up —

You shouldn't have. This is too much. You didn't need to do this. — I I try something different.

I say:
Thank you so much. I'm practicing the art of receiving. Thank you for being part of that practice.

And then I let myself receive.

The gift.
The compliment.
The support.
The love.

Not perfectly.
But differently.

I've had to practice asking for support too.

I've had to move through the discomfort of asking people to help.

I've had to notice the voice that says, Who am I to ask for this?

And slowly, through experience, I continue to create a different relationship with receiving.

A different lens.
A different pattern.
A greater capacity to let support, beauty, pleasure, rest, love, and abundance reach me.

Which is why the timing of tomorrow's Kundalini Dance feels especially meaningful to me.

Tomorrow, we're exploring Lakshmi and our relationship with abundance and receiving.

And one week later, we meet the new moon — a time when we begin thinking about what we want to call into our lives.

Which leads to another question...

What is our capacity to receive what we're asking for?

Because calling something in and having the capacity to receive it are not necessarily the same thing.

We can ask for more love...
and still struggle to believe we deserve it.

We can ask for support...
and automatically say, "No, I'm good," when someone offers to help.

We can ask for more pleasure...
and feel guilty the moment we stop being productive long enough to experience it.

We can ask for abundance...
and still feel uncomfortable when something good actually comes our way.

Receiving isn't only about what arrives.

It's also about our capacity to stay present with it long enough to let it land.

And that's where Thursday's Be Here Now JourneyDance® enters the conversation.

Because presence might sound like a completely different conversation from receiving.

But I don't think it is.

Trauma and chronic stress can pull us out of the present moment in so many ways.

We replay what already happened.
We anticipate what might happen next.
We scan for what needs our attention.
We rush through the good moments because part of us is already waiting for something to go wrong.

Healing these patterns isn't only about understanding them.

It's about giving the nervous system new experiences.

And one way to do that is through dance.

Through movement, we practice coming back to the present moment.

We notice what is happening inside us instead of automatically reacting to it.

We stay with moments of connection instead of rushing past them.

We allow pleasure to be pleasurable without immediately feeling guilty about it.

We let support in instead of instinctively pushing it away.

We experience something good without bracing for when it will be taken away.

Little by little...

Experience by experience...

We show the nervous system that it is safe enough to stay.

Safe enough to soften.
Safe enough to receive.

And slowly, we create new patterns.

That we can be here.
That we can notice.
That we can stay.
That we can receive.

Because receiving isn't only about what arrives.

It's also about our capacity to stay with it.

And that's the conversation we'll be exploring together this week.

Tomorrow, July 7, we explore receiving.
Thursday, July 9, we practice presence.

Two different dances.

One beautiful conversation between them.

I'd love to dance with you.

— Danielle

Kundalini Dance — Awakening Lakshmi

Tuesday, July 7
7-8:15pm ET • Online via Zoom • $20

→ Save Your Spot Here

JourneyDance® — Be Here Now

Thursday, July 9
7-8:15pm ET • Online via Zoom • $20

→ Save Your Spot Here

If you can’t make it live, you’ll receive the replay and playlist.

Membership is $35/month and includes this class and all upcoming classes.

If cost is the only thing stopping you, use code SISTER50 for 50% off or apply for a gifted membership. No questions asked. We take care of each other here.